Dear Surgeon General

12.6.16

DEAR SURGEON GENERAL,

I would like permission operate on President-Elect Trump’s brain.  Immediately.

You are correct in noting that I am not a neurosurgeon.  I’m not even a medical doctor.  I do have a doctorate degree…but it’s in law.  That’s right, I’m a lawyer and I’m prepped and ready for surgery!

Before you dismiss me for lack of experience, let me make my case.  Though I previously believed myself to be unqualified to lead a team of brain surgeons in cutting into the POTUS-elect’s head, I have recently changed my mind.  You see, like Mr. Trump (allegedly), I too have a brain.  I’ve used it all my life.  I was born with a brain and having a brain has informed nearly every decision I’ve made since the ‘90s.

Thus, clearly, I can take a scalpel (brain surgeons use scalpels, right? … or is it a drill?), lift the uniquely-coiffed cranium off the Donald and see what, if anything, is in there.   What I find may be scrambled, it may be fried, but there is very clearly something wrong.  No matter … in order to, “Make America Great Again,” it must be fixed.

While I’m at it, I would like to be appointed the head of the American Board of Neurological Surgeons.  I’m 100% positive that the fine physicians who worked their whole lives to become neurosurgeons will have NO problem with a lawyer heading their fine institution.  Like I said, I have a brain and on most days, I use it.  Having a brain has been very important to my life.

Fear not my lack of leadership experience.  I have never led so much as a girl scout troop.  That said, I believe I’m qualified to someday be POTUS myself.  That brand of bravado is exactly what the American Board of Neurological Surgeons need.  Besides, I have already tapped a thoracic surgeon and a factory worker to be my principal advisors so everything will be ok.  Trust me.  I’m a Christian (crossed my fingers on that one! Sssshhhh…).

Finally, I should note that my platform as head of ABNS will be to only allow brain surgeries on white Americans with median incomes over $800,000 per year.  Sure, that will leave everyone else in peril BUT, with the sort of prices I can charge this populace for a little brain tickle, I will be able to tear down all the shoddy hospitals and surgery centers in the United States and build new, shiny, properly-gilded palaces fitting for those who can afford me.  What’s that Surgeon General Vivek Murthy?  You’re not white?  That’s unfortunate.  In fact, you look a little Muslim-y!  Have you registered?  What the hell am I asking your permission for anyway?  I don’t need you!  I’m going straight to the Donald and asking for your job!

Sincerely,

Me

P.S.  Thanks for the warning on cigarettes.

 

Copyright 2016, Jennifer S. Anderson, All rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

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