DEAR SURGEON GENERAL,
I would like permission operate on President-Elect Trump’s brain. Immediately.
You are correct in noting that I am not a neurosurgeon. I’m not even a medical doctor. I do have a doctorate degree…but it’s in law. That’s right, I’m a lawyer and I’m prepped and ready for surgery!
Before you dismiss me for lack of experience, let me make my case. Though I previously believed myself to be unqualified to lead a team of brain surgeons in cutting into the POTUS-elect’s head, I have recently changed my mind. You see, like Mr. Trump (allegedly), I too have a brain. I’ve used it all my life. I was born with a brain and having a brain has informed nearly every decision I’ve made since the ‘90s.
Thus, clearly, I can take a scalpel (brain surgeons use scalpels, right? … or is it a drill?), lift the uniquely-coiffed cranium off the Donald and see what, if anything, is in there. What I find may be scrambled, it may be fried, but there is very clearly something wrong. No matter … in order to, “Make America Great Again,” it must be fixed.
While I’m at it, I would like to be appointed the head of the American Board of Neurological Surgeons. I’m 100% positive that the fine physicians who worked their whole lives to become neurosurgeons will have NO problem with a lawyer heading their fine institution. Like I said, I have a brain and on most days, I use it. Having a brain has been very important to my life.
Fear not my lack of leadership experience. I have never led so much as a girl scout troop. That said, I believe I’m qualified to someday be POTUS myself. That brand of bravado is exactly what the American Board of Neurological Surgeons need. Besides, I have already tapped a thoracic surgeon and a factory worker to be my principal advisors so everything will be ok. Trust me. I’m a Christian (crossed my fingers on that one! Sssshhhh…).
Finally, I should note that my platform as head of ABNS will be to only allow brain surgeries on white Americans with median incomes over $800,000 per year. Sure, that will leave everyone else in peril BUT, with the sort of prices I can charge this populace for a little brain tickle, I will be able to tear down all the shoddy hospitals and surgery centers in the United States and build new, shiny, properly-gilded palaces fitting for those who can afford me. What’s that Surgeon General Vivek Murthy? You’re not white? That’s unfortunate. In fact, you look a little Muslim-y! Have you registered? What the hell am I asking your permission for anyway? I don’t need you! I’m going straight to the Donald and asking for your job!
P.S. Thanks for the warning on cigarettes.
Copyright 2016, Jennifer S. Anderson, All rights reserved.